The Wrestling Match

Forgive me for my lack of posts, hopefully this one will explain my absence.

Recently my pastor spoke on the Genesis passage where Jacob wrestles with God. I realized as he was preaching that this was me. I had (maybe have?) been wrestling with God. My year has been one of the most difficult ones that I have had since leaving my husband in 2011. I thought I was just in a bad place with too much stress on my plate.

What I failed to realize was that God was teaching me several lessons that I thought I already knew and understood. That is where the wrestling started. I had it all backwards. I thought that the actual suffering I was having was what the wrestling was- not the lessons I needed to learn.

Here is what happened that caused me to think my suffering was wrestling. In August, my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He is 94, so it wasn’t like I didn’t realize he was on the other side of life, but I just didn’t want him to suffer the fate of the “C” word. In September, my heart was broken when I had to put my 15 year old dog down. She had become crippled and I could no longer stand to see her suffer. She was my PTSD dog and held me together when I surely thought I would fall apart. Meanwhile I was teaching in a new position and had never had students that disliked me so much. Their goal was to make me cry daily. Or quit. I didn’t, but that didn’t stop them from trying. Then I contracted Covid. It affected my vocal cords and I had laryngitis for almost 2 months. I used a microphone during this time just to be heard. I looked like an old decrepit Brittany Spears with the headset I was using. As this was clearing slowly, other small medical issues started to pop up and would not leave my body. At the same time all of this was happening my job continued to add more and more stress to me and my body became overloaded. I was also hit with a final diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia paired together. It had been an on again off again diagnosis for months. I was also struggling with the duties at my church. Every aspect of my life was hit. I finally sought the help of a Christian counselor to help me understand and sort out my issues. I had lost hope and was deeply saddened by all of my medical issues. It would not be an easy road, but this was a start that I needed.

One of the first sessions I had with her was like a slap in the face. After hearing what I was going through she came up with “You don’t trust God.” My pride was hurt because I tried to do exactly what God had asked, even moving back to my hometown. How could I not trust God? I even went so far as to tell her she was wrong and listed evidence as my favorite verse as Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord your God, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.” I did not believe this at all about me. I knew I had trust issues as an emotionally abusive marriage will do that to a person, but that was a man issue not a God issue. The other thing that she stressed to me was that I was living outside of my capacity. All of these issues that I was plagued with were causing my body to be put on a high alert phase. My inflammation markers were through the roof and my body had gone into a protective mode. I was sometimes the cause of these stresses by being a “fixer” personality. All of my adult life when given a problem, I faced it and sought a solution. This type of personality doesn’t seem dangerous except when you realize that you stay in fight mode all the time. This also adds extra stress to the body. I was truly a hot mess express.

After meeting with my counselor the first time, she decided that we needed to work through a book together. How People Change by Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp was the name of the study guide and it’s about How Christ Changes Us By His Grace- as is listed on the outside cover of the guide. This book has an illustration in the back that is the center foundation of the book. It shows how we change according to the heat in our lives that takes us to the cross and Christ and then identifies the fruits of the heat. As we dug in every week and I had chapters to read and work through I became more and more confused. I thought I was more lost than ever. I didn’t understand the picture even when broken down into smaller pieces. The authors use Bible passages to illustrate the whole picture. I didn’t get it. Not. At. All. I could not see the passages as illustrations to the point. I felt even more overwhelmed and thought I might have to be a counseling drop out. Or at least a dropout of this study guide.

About this time, I became so overwhelmed at work that I realized that I could not return to this job next year. I also said, “God, whatever opportunities you give me, I will say yes to them.” And don’t you know that opportunities started to knock. As they continued, I kept saying yes. As I said yes to opportunities, God began to show me the ones that I needed to say no to as well. These became clear. Sometimes I wasn’t saying no to them, but the opportunity was just gone. As all of this kept happening, I saw that I must accept that under no circumstance could I return to my current teaching position. Once I accepted this reality, I started to understand the picture in the study guide- well, parts of it anyway! I started to see the heat that was described. I couldn’t see it in the Biblical illustrated passages, but could see it in my real life.

As I started to see the heat, I could also see my thorns. Thorns are sinful patterns in your life. When I started to understand this, my “fixer” personality became clear. Not only that, but I also began to recognize my “people pleasing” as another of my sin areas. I would put myself at risk to please others even though Christ might not be directing me to these tasks. Therein lies my sin. I wasn’t listening to God. I was following man.

Even though I started to see how this illustration was coming to life, I still didn’t get the whole picture until a few months later. Every year, my county sends out a form that we must return stating what our plan is for the next school year. There are basically 3 choices on this form. First is leaving the county. Second is transferring to another school in the county. Third is staying at your same position. Last year, this form came out in April, but this year it was sent in February. I knew in my heart I wanted to check the square that said leaving the county, but I was afraid. The job I really wanted was in another county and had disappeared off the county’s website. I thought that this job had been hired or had transfers into the position. I was so afraid to check the box that I wouldn’t fill out the form. I had no faith. Not only did that box represent my lack of faith, my old “fixer” personality came out! I decided that I would turn in the form late and check the box of “Transfer to another school.” I thought this would be the easy way out. I could just accept a job that I didn’t want in order to keep myself employed. My plan- not God’s plan. This was my way of “fixing” my path. Of course, then I would say that it was God’s plan for me. I was putting God in a box and wouldn’t trust him to give me the opportunity that I truly wanted.

In all of my strife at work, I met 2 amazing women of Christ. Sisters in Christ. We began to pray for one another and for specific students. Sometimes this consisted of walking up and down rows of desks laying children at the feet of Jesus. Sometimes this consisted of holding hands in the back of a classroom and crying and lamenting at Jesus' feet. My counselor brought it to my attention that my job had become spiritual warfare and that was part of the stress I was encountering. Anyway, these sisters became my lifelines.

The day after I interviewed for the in-county job, the job that had disappeared from the website had contacted me. They wanted to know why I hadn’t applied and was I going to apply.

The. Day. After. I was blown away. I thought the whole time the job was gone. I was confused.

A morning or 2 after my interview, I told one of these ladies about my situation. She said to me, “What do you want?” I gave the correct Christian response, “I want to be where Jesus wants me to be.” She looked at me and said, “No. God wants to know what you want. He wants you to ask Him for the job that you want to have.” I said again, “I just want to please Him.” Her response,”He knows that. That’s why he loves the person that you have become. You are willing to do either job, but He wants you to ask for the one that you want.” Floored, I knew what job I truly wanted.

I knew I wanted the job in another county. I also knew that in order to get that job, I was going to have to ask God for it. Here came another thorn. I didn’t ask for things. I never did. This was stepping way out of my comfort zone. My sister in Christ reminded me that God wants us to ask boldly. Well- I wasn’t good at this. I was a mousy asker. She also reminded me that when I ask boldly I must also believe He will do it. Bingo- TRUST!

This lesson came as another slap in the face. Not as an insult, but as a reality check. I was not asking boldly because I didn’t believe. I was fixing everything myself because I didn’t have faith that God could and would move the mountains. Boy were my thorns showing all over! I asked, and I believed.

Meanwhile, the school in my county called and offered me the job that I did not want. Oh brother. Look at what I had caused. My thorn of not trusting God is why I checked transfer on the box! Look at what my thorn had caused- heat. Boy, could I see the truth in that illustration now. I was living it. I got myself into a sticky situation because I “fixed” the problem myself. In reality, I didn’t fix anything. I just stirred up the mud until I couldn’t see at all. But, I didn’t lose my faith. I stepped out on a limb and turned down the job in the county even though I did not have a job. I even stepped out and went to a job fair. I saw that as another yes opportunity.

It took about a week, but the job that I truly wanted was posted so that I could apply. I did. I interviewed and was offered the position. Of course I accepted! Though I am thrilled about the new job opportunity, I am more thrilled about the wrestling match that God has had me in. Yes, it has been awful as a year, but I have never had a year that I have learned more spiritually because of my job.

I recognize now that I do have trust issues. I can see this about me and know that I see thorns. I also recognize the beauty of the quilt that God weaves of our lives. Each thread connects to another that connects to another and leaves us an overall blanket that we can wrap around ourselves knowing that God directed every stitch. Every person and situation we meet and come across is part of our quilt of life. One that makes us feel wrapped up in His love. Oh how amazing our God is. And, as clearly as I can see this, I can see the illustration in the back of that study guide. I can see every part of it in this school year. The heat, the thorns, the cross, the change, the fruit. All because of a wrestling match. Isn’t that an amazing pecan?